Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Up and Running
Wow, my first post! I've been thinking about starting up a blog for a long time now but I didn't really know what I'd focus on. So many of the blogs I've read have a particular theme and I do enjoy reading them. But hey, like a lot of us out here, my interests, train of thought, things to contemplate, etc are always changing. So why limit myself? I may or may not go into a lot of depth on any particular post but perhaps it'll be enough to get a conversation going or a stepping stone to something completely new and different. Or maybe a place to just ramble or vent. :-)
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8 comments:
I like it! Especially the part about adding hot fudge and reading children's books. There is something to be said for nurturing the inner child, you know, the one that gets us into so much trouble. Well, that child has some positive influences too.
Think I'll buy a balloon today. ;-)
-Mary R-
Cool, a balloon! What color did you get? :-)
Children can certainly be smart, that's for sure. Even our own inner child, if we'll just listen to that voice crying out.
In this book I'm working through [The Artist Way], the author talks about our 'inner artist' that is very much a part of our inner child.
You asked a question on the TAW group saying that you were wondering if you should post anything negative... I have stopped posting on the TAW website, but I wanted to tell you what has affected me in posting or not posting what you truly feel or what you really think.
I am one of those people that posts what others would call negativity. I call it "my" reality or "truth." Obviously, I also understand that it may not be so for the others. I am okay with that. I love diversity, and welcome it, but others may not be so open.
For me, I don't feel as though I have a choice to hide who I am. I either suffer with anxiety or depression when I stuff or hide who I am or what I feel because I know some people will not like what I say. BUT... the consequences of speaking your truth are not always the best option either.
I have been shunned from family for speaking my truth, I have been fired from a job for saying a teacher hit a kid (even though parents saw it -- they all chose silence -- I would not have been able to sleep), I have been dumped by friends because I said I did not want their money (call me crazy, but I wanted their time), etc.
My question to you... Are these relationships real to you? Do you want them to change or stay the same? Do you suffer because they do not know the real you? Do you feel loved for who you are or for who they think you are? Which one is worth it?
In my case, I lost the support and the love of friends and family. BUT, I won the love and resect of myself. I would do it again the same way, but I would never tell someone to do it my way. I would warn you that you risk losing it all. People don't want to see, hear, or read the truth. They shy away from it and only want to see and hear what makes us feel good. Hope this helps, and good luck and have fun with your blog.
Thanks for your response/comments & questions; it's helping me to clarify more in my mind's eye so I can think about it and then post.
I do want to use this site to ramble on about stuff I'm thinking or wanting to learn more about. But also, I want to safely state what I feel is true-about myself and/or others. It may not always be easy or 'nice' but I'm working on moving beyond being nice or polite [or not saying anything at all], though not purposely going out of the way to be mean. If anyone sees any given situation in a different light, that's fine; by discussing it, we both may be enlightened.
Speaking about or with my family, I'm not on the save wavelength they are. I've tried and tried to explain things about my thoughts and who I am, but I don't feel they 'get it' or just don't WANT to get it; maybe I don't understand them all so much either, since this goes on and on all of the time. Often, I find myself pulling back and not saying much at all ['yeah, things are fine...' when I don't want to get into it yet again].
I do need to be stronger in standing up for myself when times are tough [which is most of the time, it seems]. And not backing down with things that are important to me. If others don't want to let me do that, I can always just leave.
I also need to learn more about WHO I am, it's definitely more than my troubles, anxieties, lack of finances, etc. It's time to find that inner child/inner artist out and let her play, explore, develop, and have some fun.
People may or may not like these things I'm trying to do [there ARE some changes I'm working on right now that haven't gone over well with some others] but I need to experience these things for myself instead of just being told that I 'should' do this better, or that I really 'don't want to do that'. If these people would like to be involved, it will need to be in ways that are helpful/useful for me.
Sometimes I do feel uncomfortable in maybe alienating these others in my life but... As I'm learning more about ME, I'm the one who shouldn't be alianated by myself. If that makes sense.
There's going to be plenty of bumps along the road; I guess it's not always going to be easy BUT I need to see the possibilities from the tops of those bumps along the way.
Great blog... I love reading real and genuine stuff.
You make perfect sense in not wanting to "alienate" yourself... the most important person. And, once you find that "inner" part and voice (or just make it stronger), there will be no going back because it's too much fun being real on this side.
About those people that must have all the answers and know what is or is not good for you... Julia Cameron in TAW would call those people "crazymakers." (I even coax my kids to try to figure things out for themselves because God knows I don't even have all the answers!)
You sound like you are doing a lot of searching, growing and having fun on those bumps... Keep at it, and keep writing.
**You make perfect sense in not wanting to "alienate" yourself... the most important person. And, once you find that "inner" part and voice (or just make it stronger), there will be no going back because it's too much fun being real on this side.**
I'm looking forward to that fun side [at last!] in being real. What IS real? I need to go back and reread the 'what is real' in the book The Velveteen Rabbit. I *think* I still have a copy of it; I hope so! If you haven't read this story, go to the library and find a copy; sit down in a comfy chair and read it right then and there. You'll most likely find it in the children's section but this story is for us big kids, too.
Found and read "The Velveteen Rabbit" online. (I had heard of it and my daughter read it, but I hadn't.) Good book suggestion. But, I don't know where I fit.
I see my scars or where my seems are that keep me together =), and I know that I am real and wouldn't have it any other way (but, it's easy to be real while avoiding difficult relationships again). Isolation due to having spent too many years with others pointing out my seems/scars as though I were defective and made wrong.
hmmm... It's work, but I have to keep reminding myself over and over again that I do deserve love (warts, flaws, and defects).
Here's a book suggestion... Hind's Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. It's old, but it's worth it -- like me!
(I do have two people that know the "real" me and still love me: my husband and my old retired preacher that is like a grandmother to me. Hey, I just realized... my little boy and my fairy! Cool!)
**I see my scars or where my seems are that keep me together =), and I know that I am real and wouldn't have it any other way (but, it's easy to be real while avoiding difficult relationships again). Isolation due to having spent too many years with others pointing out my seems/scars as though I were defective and made wrong.**
Yep, I know how it is when others frequently remind us of our seams and scars--often, they're a big part of creating those scars. It has taken me a LONG time to allow those scars to toughen up enough so I won't be bothered by them so much.
I still need to go back to reread the V.R. but as I recall, the little boy had a time where he really did love his rabbit. If I remember right, he didn't have the rabbit when he was ill[?] and thus, the little bunny felt neglected and unloved [which, I'm sure, we all go through this experience in life; too many times in some cases]. But if and when this reconnection occurs and love, friendship, happiness [whatever] can be bought to life again, it can be incredible... [So I do need to go reread it, so I can find out how it all ended!]
In my real life, that reconnection, for the most part, hasn't come to be as yet... I know I need to put myself out there so it might happen; yet, I'm tending to isolate quite a bit, too.
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